By Tatiauna Miller

Throwing up my sign! I need a ride!

In the DMV area we have several commuting options: buses, trains, van pools and Slug lines! Slug-lines are a free commuting option which allows people to pick up passengers from designated locations and during rush-hour to use the 95-395 North HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) lanes to DC.

Slug lines started in the DC area over 40 years ago in 1975! A 40 year old, free transportation system is bound to have some rules, because you know people have zero common sense.

Slugging has about 20 rules or “Slugging Etiquette”, most of these are the same rules you had when you were a little kid riding in the car with your grumpy older sibling. Here are a few:

– No eating or drinking in the car! Don’t you know how hard it is to clean up bacon, egg and cheese biscuit crumbs!

– Slugs do not talk: Seriously, no need to make awkward conversations at 6:30am or at 4:30pm. No one cares!

– Please do not touch the driver’s console! Actually slugs shouldn’t touch anything! If it’s cold you better have a jacket and if it’s hot then your ass gonna sweat. Better not touch that window either and don’t even think about changing the radio station! Only thing you’re touching is butt cheeks to seat!

– Also stay off the damn phone and that goes for Drivers and Slugs! Recently I got stuck listening to a conference call in slug car, I should’ve announced myself during role call like “Tatiauna the passenger in Paul’s vehicle.”

Since I’ve been slugging for at least 10 years, I’ve seen just about all these rules broken as well as seen all the things that could go wrong. I’ve been a car accidents and traffic stops as a slug.

I received an actual blessing from a “Basement Minister”, he told me he had a ministry in his basement. He invited me to attend one of his Sunday services, which I kindly turned down. Sounds like some “Silence of the Lambs” mess, find some lady chained in the corner. Funny, I never saw him again after that day.

Sleeping will get you in trouble! Snoring too loudly or falling asleep and leaning on the driver is a no go! Also sleeping will have you missing your stop, I fell asleep and woke up 10 miles south from my exit. The driver said she didn’t know what exit to take and didn’t want to wake us! I never rode with her ass again.

I was asked out on a date by a very old gentleman. I said “No”, of course I wasn’t going on date with somebody’s granddad. The worst part was he asked me about 30 minutes from our destination and it was an awkward ass 30 minutes too. When I finally got off at my stop, the other passenger couldn’t wait to laugh at me. He actually said he got off 5 blocks up from his destination, just so he could laugh at me. Thanks!

There are some driver’s slugs have marked as “Notorious”:

We have the reckless drivers, like the lady that writes and drives. Yes, I said writes! Or the 70 year old man that constantly hits 80 mph and tailgates everyone. He’s a nice guy, but his reflexes are too slow for all that!

The “Sir-Talks-A lot” driver, this is the guy that holds you hostage in the vehicle while he talks you to death. This one driver had a story for everything. You could talk about walking on the moon and he instantly had a cousin who walked on the moon back in 1962.

How come people want to pick up slugs in vehicles with very limited spaces, like the tiny two door cars or the bench seat pickup trucks? I swear ZZ Top was picking up slugs in his bench seat pickup. I remember it was a hot ass day and this guy was trying to get two slugs to get in with him. He got one guy and the passenger was standing out waiting for an unsuspecting individual to get caught in the middle and he had one of those long ass floor shifters. So you got ZZ Top shifting in between your legs, NOPE I hard passed on that one.

I’ve ridden with drivers that don’t understand the Slugging process. When you pick up slugs the understanding is to take them to the designated drop off point, not take them to YOUR job. This man just parked his car and he’s like “Have a good day!” Wait a minute sir, you are supposed to take me to my building not 6 blocks out of the way to your damn job! Every time he pulled up in line I passed over his ass, he’d always wave too! Fool, don’t wave at me with your ole rule breaking ass.

Finally the most Notorious of them all, is the driver with the dirty and smelly ass car. This is the “I’ve never cleaned my car ever!” dirty. One guy’s windows were covered in a brown layer of filth, it was just horrible, smoky and booty sweat smellin’. We can’t forget the toxic “I just smoked 12 cigarettes” before I picked you up driver. With all the ashes blowing back up in your face when the A/C cuts on. I just start coughing because I’m a passive aggressive jerk.

After all that I would still rather slug, saves me hundreds of dollars a month and makes for a good story.

Thanks again for giving me your time! Have a beautiful day, laugh more and live more.

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