Why This Is Important
A Pat-tition

Resolved: That Howard Stern must give Pat Cooper a live mike on the Stern show and let Pat defend himself.

Pat Cooper is the funniest man on the planet. You know it. We know it. And Howard Stern knows it. That’s why Howard keeps running classic episodes of Pat on the Stern Show. The only problem is, Howard has been disrespecting Pat for years and not giving him the opportunity to come on the show. Pat is alive and well and funny as ever and has to endure friends and fans telling him every week they heard him rerun on Stern and they heard Howard smack him down.

Howard, you complain that Pat badmouths you behind his back, and then you badmouth him to millions of listeners and hide behind the glass. You bully your co-workers not to give Pat any air time. You say Pat was nothing before he went on your show when in reality he played Broadway, Carnegie Hall, and sold millions of albums when you were still playing radio with a Dixie Cup and jacking off to Ann-Margaret posters. You say he’s a has-been while he still packs amphitheaters all over the country. And then you run his old shows. What’s wrong with this picture?

The truth is, you know those are classic shows. Everyone knows it. Listening to Pat square off against his mother and his son was man-landing-on-the-moon historic radio comedy. It was landmark stuff. It made it to “Crucified by the FCC” and obviously it still cuts it today. Who says so? You do, Howard. And we agree. You can’t dump your girlfriend and then walk around town showing wallet-sized photos of her at the beach in a bikini. It makes you look phony and two-faced.

It’s hard to know exactly why you won’t man up and have Pat on the show, but there is only one reason any of us can think of—fear. Howard, we can’t be sure you’re afraid of an eighty-two-year-old man, but it sure as hell seems like you are. And that’s a shame. Because you built your reputation on being afraid of nothing and no one. There was nothing too weird or gross or controversial or risqué. There was no one too bizarre or crazy or infamous or obnoxious. Most of all, there was no one you couldn’t handle. And now, sadly, as you drift through middle age and rest on past laurels, all that is gone. The show is wilting before our ears—a mere shell of its former self. Thank God it’s not on E! anymore, because it’s hard to watch.

Luckily, you still have a chance at redemption. Pat lives a few blocks from the studio. You can call him anytime, day or night, and he will show up first thing in the morning—or any morning. Don’t put it off any longer, Howard. This is Ali-Frazier, Leonard-Duran. Nixon-Kennedy, USA versus USSR, Army-Navy, Jedi versus Sith. This is bigger than you or Pat or any of us. This is destiny. This is about making history again. Don’t be afraid of it. Embrace it. Great radio doesn’t happen when the mic is off. It happens when it’s on. You used to understand that. And you will again.

Put Pat Cooper on!

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