By Geno McGahee

I have always considered HALLOWEEN one of the best horror movies of all time and the strongest series of horror flicks, better as a whole than the other big two: FRIDAY THE 13TH and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, and when Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) was returning, I initially was excited. I saw the trailer where she came face to face with Michael Myers and they played that familiar music that is synonymous with the series, you couldn’t help but to be optimistic.

The first problem with H20 is the fact that John Carpenter had nothing to do with it. He declined the offer to write it, which brought in Robert Zappia, who wrote on episode of that great show HOME IMPROVEMENT. I hope you can sense the sarcasm. I hated that show. I like Tim Allen….he’s rather funny in the movies, especially WILD HOGS, but that show was horrible and now they brought in a guy that wrote one episode to write such an important movie? Jeez.

A big problem I noticed here as well is the acting of Jamie Lee Curtis. She had made a big career for herself since the first HALLOWEEN and came back with a new attitude and it really seemed that her acting ability declined over the years. The more that she thought about being a good actress, the worse she got, and the moment she wakes up from a nightmare screaming in this movie, it’s unbelievable. Her acting is terrible, but don’t worry, we also have her son John (Josh Hartnett), and those of you that have had the pleasure of seeing Hartnett act, you know what I’m talking about when I say that he is horrible. You put him and Curtis together, it’s torture.

The basic story here is the inner struggle of Laurie Strode. She is the dean of a private school and is still living with the pain of the past, having nightmares and never getting over the horrible night in 1978. She overprotects her son, causing much tension between the two. John wants to just have some time with his hot girlfriend Molly (Michelle Williams), but Laurie has that “I wanna smell your fingers” expression throughout the movie, preventing John from nailing his girl. Where is the trust?

John and his buddies plan a Halloween party without the knowledge of his mother. Oh yeah, we also have Myers returning for some reason and finding his way to the private school, which is odd. His sister Laurie, changed her name to “Keri Tate,” so it shouldn’t have been that easy to find her. I keep wanting to call Jamie Lee Curtis a “him,” and I don’t know why. Is it because she was born with both male and female organs or is it the short hair? Is it the fact that she looks like my cousin Neil a little? I don’t know, but I keep hitting backspace over and over again because I keep referring to her as a him.

Now John isn’t the only one trying to get laid. Will Brennan (Adam Arkin), a fellow faculty member, has a relationship with Laurie, and can’t keep his hands off of her. He keeps feeling her up, even in public! He may just be trying to find out if the rumors are true and is looking for junk. Before he gets naked with Curtis, he wants to make sure that he won’t be leaving the bedroom bleeding from the ass. Better safe than sorry.

This movie should have been called “cheap scare.” It was laughable at how many cheap scare attempts there were. There were at least 10 false alarms and it’s ridiculous. The cheap jump out of nowhere scares are OK every once in a while, but it’s silly when it’s overused, but they needed to do it because Myers wasn’t in the film for an entire hour…and the dialogue was so weak and acting so poor that it was hard to get through without Myers slashing up some shit!

Oh, and let me talk about Myers. What scrawny son of a bitch did they get to play Myers? He looked like he was 120 pounds! Now, I don’t want the monster that Rob Zombie brought to his horrible HALLOWEEN films, but the average sized guy that we saw in the first five (minus SEASON OF THE WITCH) movies. This Myers wasn’t too convincing.

A horrible and annoying character was the security guard Ronny Jones (LL Cool J). I don’t like when horror movies bring in musicians to play roles. I guess the idea is that LL Cool J will bring in the young people and it will be the bee’s knees, but the character was lame and I could not wait until skinny fuck Myers took him out, but guess what….he lives!!! They let Jones live! What the fuck is with that?! Since when does a security guard survive a horror movie?

Myers gets into the private school and begins killing. John, his girl, and Laurie get into a truck and take off, but Laurie wants a showdown, leaving the kids behind and returning to the school to have a faceoff with Myers. Now, from my understanding, Curtis wanted to be a bad ass and really steered this movie in this direction, where she is wielding an axe and hunting down Myers. She finds him and attacks him, chopping him with an axe, stabbing him with a knife, and basically kicking his ass all over the place. It’s disgusting. Watching her holding an axe and screaming “Michael” nearly made me puke in my shoes.

Now, this movie isn’t all bad, just 95%. There are some cool shots of Myers walking on top of some long tables. Hmmm…that’s about all the good stuff I can come up with here. Sorry. BUT there is one unintentional good thing about this movie. I laughed a lot at how bad it was and how ridiculous the acting was. When Strode grabs the axe and a gun from a police officer, pointing it and screaming “load him in,” referring to the corpse of Myers into a van, I laughed. It was so unbelievable.

The ending of this movie is just another “Jamie Lee Curtis is a badass” moment. I hate that.

HALLOWEEN H20: 20 YEARS LATER is a horrible movie that couldn’t capture the feel of HALLOWEEN if Zappie had Carpenter’s balls in his mouth. Maybe that wouldn’t be the feel. Maybe that would be the taste. Whatever. The point is that this movie is horrible and the only enjoyment that HALLOWEEN fans may get from this is the amusement factor. It’s so bad that it may be good by some standards. I can’t recommend this. It’s terrible.

NewzBreaker Rating: 2/10. Wow, it really fell apart after 20 years.