By Dave Siderski (Who else would it be by?)

Few things in life are more enjoyable than a great song. We all have different tastes in music but one thing remains the same. A great song is one that you can listen to over and over again without getting tired of it. Then there are some that aren’t so great, one’s that lead you to change the channel when they come on the radio. Then there are those that are just so awful they leave you groaning in agony, like I was listening to the following 10 songs in preparation for this article.

10. We Built This City. Starship (1985)

Jefferson Airplane was a wonderful band. With Grace Slick as the lead singer their sound was both edgy and original. In the late-60’s, Jefferson Airplane belted out such classics such as White Rabbit, Somebody to Love and Crown of Creation. However, in the 80’s, they changed the name of the group to Starship and became just another cheesy rock band. This is exemplified by the bland and forgettable tune “We Built This City”.

9. Achy Breaky Heart. Billy Ray Cyrus (1992)

This song epitomizes the word corny. I mean when you’ve been covered by Alvin and the Chipmunks that just says everything. Billy Ray, if you’re gonna talk about a broken heart, you have to put some soul into it brother. Instead you gave us terrible lyrics and a vanilla pop beat, not to mention line dancing. UGGH! “Please tell my head…..my achy break head when this song is over”.

8. Ice Ice Baby. Vanilla Ice (1990)

Speaking of Vanilla, we now come to our next artist on the list “Vanilla Ice”. When your biggest hit is an obvious rip off this has to earn you a place on this list. The beat of “Ice, Ice Baby” is a blatant copy of “Under Pressure” which was originally performed by Queen and David Bowie. Not only did he copy it, he completely butchered the song and brazenly neglected to give the original artists credit until they filed a lawsuit. Tacky, tacky, tacky!

7. My Anaconda. Nikki Manaj (2014)

Unlike artists such as Prince, who made racy sexual lyrics an art form, Nikki Manaj’s “My Anaconda” is a complete turn off. Now, those who really know me can tell you I am far from a prude but this song is utterly crass. “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns……..Oh my gosh look at her butt.” Those are about the only lyrics in the song that are actually repeatable.

6. Barbie Girl. Aqua (1997)

“Hiya Barbie, Hi Ken! Do you want to go for a ride? Sure Ken. Jump in.” Now this song only goes downhill from there. “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic.” This song represents everything I hate about top 40 pop music. The lyrics and beat in this one are about as plastic and lifeless as the dolls they talk about. Perhaps it was meant as a satire, but, if so, the joke simply doesn’t work. The song only succeeds in being utterly silly and obnoxious.

5. Rico Suave. Gerardo Meija (1991)

Now listening to this one is just painful. How many times does this guy need to say “Rico Suave”? Hello, we got the point the first time around! No! Scratch that! The song itself is completely pointless. Hello Rico, you are a dorko! No one is impressed. Give it up Rico!

4. Sexy and I Know It. LMFAO (2011)

When I tried to look up the name of this band, I couldn’t believe it. Yes folks apparently there is really a band named LMFAO. Based on this song, the name is totally fitting. “I work out……..Girl look at that body…..I work out…….I gotta a passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it…..everybody stops and their staring at me.” Yes, they are staring at you because you’re a self-absorbed moron. I can hear the girls at the bar LMFAO-ing at you right now.

3. Heartbeat. Don Johnson (1985)

Miami Vice star Don Johnson should have stuck to what he did best, acting. This man could not carry a tune at all. This bad song belongs in an equally bad 80’s movie or television show. Square Pegs comes to mind for me. Anyone remember that show? If not, don’t feel bad it was completely idiotic. This tune puts the “e” in cheese and the “s” in a certain other word.

2. I’m Too Sexy. Right Said Fred (1991)

Now we’re only up to #2 but I’m not sure I can take anymore. I’m seriously beginning to lose my mind as well as my lunch. As far as this song, I’m just imaging this guy going into a bar and singing this for karaoke. Talk about LMFAO material! This song is that flipping bad! “I’m too sexy for my shirt………And I do my little turn on the cat walk…….I shake my little tush on the catwalk”. To quote Arnold from Happy Days: Ba Ha Ha Ha Ha! “I’m too sexy for my cat.” Now that just sounds like a personal problem to me!

1. “The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum). The Cheeky Girls (2004)

Yes, as hard as it is to believe there is actually a song that’s worse than I’m too sexy for shirt. Now I actually have lost my lunch and not sure I’ll ever be able to eat again. “Ooh boys, cheeky girls…..Ooh girls cheeky boys…….We are the cheeky girls……You are the cheeky boys…….Come and join the cheeky club……Touch my bum this is life”. Words cannot do justice to how bad these lyrics are. This is without a doubt the worst song ever recorded and given the competition that is really saying something!

Thus ends this list of the 10 Worst Songs of all-time. Forget about Dante’s Inferno or Jean-Paul Sarte’s No Exit, my personal version of hell would be to be locked in a room for all eternity while these songs play over and over and over again. “Please tell my head…..my achy breaky head….when this torture is over”.

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