By Dave Siderski

I recently made my yearly Christmas trek to the local mall. This is always an exciting time and I was greatly looking forward to a day of joy and merriment. Even the traffic can’t get me down as I listen to my favorite Christmas Carols in the car. Deck the halls with bows of holly…Fa la la la la, la la la la la.

I complete the one mile drive in record time this year; it only took me two hours and 45 minutes! Turning down the mall road, the first thing I notice is some nefarious pranksters have apparently been at work. Shame on them! The Mall billboard sign that normally reads: “Merry Christmas!” has been changed to “Honk if You’re Horny!” I turned up my car radio to drown out the cacophony of beeping horns around me. Tis the season to be jolly…Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Now comes the challenge of looking for a parking spot. It’s gridlocked by two elderly women battling desperately for the closest spot. They both screech their breaks and get out of their cars. This one might get my vote for RSR fight of the year. These two octogenarians were going at it like Ali and Frazier, swinging those handbags from down home. A roaring crowd gathers to watch the carnage. After 10 minutes of utter mayhem, Mall Security comes to the rescue on their mighty motor scooters. It takes 7 of them to subdue these two tenacious battlers. Three of the Security Guards are carried away on stretchers. Dawn me now our gay apparel…Fa la la la la, la la la la”.

Finally, I find a parking spot and go inside. The first person I encounter is this smoking hot attendant working one of the mall carts. Elena is wearing a sexy red dress with black nylons and matching thigh high boots. Man those legs and that smile. I am officially in lust. Troll the ancient yule tide carol…Fa la la la la, la la la la.

As if reading my mind, Elena softly takes my hand and leads me over to her cart. Next thing I know I’m spending $100 on body oil products. As I walk away, I hear a little boy asking his father: “Daddy, what does horny mean?” As he struggles for an answer, I catch him gazing over at Elena. I also observe the angry glare he gets from his wife. A few minutes later, I hear the same little boy asking his mother: “Mommy, what does I’ll cut that thing off mean?” See the blazing yule upon us…Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Next I see a huge commotion outside the toy store. Apparently, they’ve run out of the hottest new toy of this Christmas season: The Donald Trump action figure. A full scale riot ensues! Mall Security rushes in on their motor scooters but upon seeing the venom of the crowd immediately turn and flee. One particularly portly Security Guard fails to escape and is immediately converged upon by the crowd. The crowd starts chanting: “Off with his head!” At this point, my self-protective instincts kick in but unfortunately the exit to the mall is now blocked. Luckily there’s a bar close by which I’m able to duck into. Strike the harp and join the chorus…Fa la la la la, la la la la”.

After a couple of shots of Jack Daniels my Christmas sprits are soaring once again. Oh boy, what’s on the TV? It’s the Kim and Khloe Kardashian Christmas special on FOXX. Kim and Khloe burst into song. “All I want for Christmas is my two boob implants…my two boob implants”. Wow is this great! These ladies can not only act, they can sing and dance as well. And who is this that just appeared in the bar? It’s that same inquisitive little boy with his Mother and Father. He turns to his father and asks: “Daddy what’s a boob implant?” Follow me in merry measure…Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Meanwhile, I see through the glass window the SWAT patrol has arrived. Its looks like they still have their hands full so what the hell, I’ll just hang out here for a while. Bartender, another shot of Jack please! By now, everyone at the bar is pretty lit. We all break into song: “While I tell of Yule tide treasure Fa la la la la la la la la la”. Uh Oh! The guy in the Santa suit sitting next to me just lost his lunch. Time to shut that guy off! Fast away the old year passes…Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Ok, it looks like things have calmed down outside. It’s time to venture back into the mall. Oh my, the place is an utter wreck. The poor portly Security Guard is hanging from the rafters by his underwear. Mangled motor scooters, beheaded Barbie dolls and stuffed animal parts are strewn across the mall. But none of this dampens my spirit. Christmas Carols are still dancing in my head. Hail the new ye, lads and lasses…Fa la la la, la la la la la.

One too many shots of Jack have given me a bit of a headache so I decide it’s time to go home. But not before I visit my friend Elena on the way out. The rest of the mall has been ravaged but Elena still looks fantastic. Our eyes meet and she says: “Hello there you!” Next thing I know, I’m spending another $100 on bath and body oil products. Sing we joyous all together…Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Finally, I get in my car and begin the trek home. After completing the 2 hour drive, I realize something: “Oh shit, I forgot to do my Christmas shopping while I was there!” Yippee, I get to do this all again tomorrow! Heedless of the wind and weather…Fa la la la, la la la la la

Merry Christmas to all!

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