By Dave Siderski

I recently started a new job and I think everyone reading this can probably relate to what that experience is like. You feel completely overwhelmed but try not to let it show. My new boss gave me my first assignment on day one, whipping through the instructions with lightning speed. He then looked at me and says: “Got it!” I looked back at him with a smile and said: “Got it!” Of course, I felt completely clueless but I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him that. For the first hour, the project ran smoothly until………

Now the system I was working with was called “Pro Forma A+Q”. One very clear instruction I received was: “DO NOT……DO NOT PRESS THE ENTER BUTTON WHILE PRO FORMA A+Q IS RUNNING”. The consequences of doing this, I was told, would be catastrophic. Now, I was good about this at first but sure enough my mind wandered after a while. Next thing I knew, I did the unthinkable and unforgivable. I pressed the dreaded “ENTER” button.

My jaw dropped and my body froze as I immediately realized my error. For about 15 seconds I thought I might have gotten away with one as nothing happened at first. But then a giant error message appeared on the screen. It was a black skeleton with a red X through it. The caption below read: “YOU’RE SCREWED!” Sparks started flying from my computer and sirens blared throughout the office. My new boss leaped from his office and exclaimed: “WHO THE HELL DID THAT????” I tried to feign ignorance but the look on my face gave away by guilt. The look on his face told me my future with this company would be short lived.

It only got worse. Lasers started shooting from my computer and all of the computers in the office followed suit. The boss screamed: “Incoming! Everyone get down!” Panic spread and utter mayhem ensued. The office printer unfolded like a transformer, sprouting giant arms and legs. Its hands turned into machine guns which began firing indiscriminately throughout the office. Then all of a sudden who would appear but Darth Vader laughing heartily and exclaiming: “Welcome to the dark side!” Yoda tried to come to the rescue with his mighty light saber only to be gunned down by the evil printer. Thanks to me, the force would not be with us on this day.

The office was now utter carnage. Body parts and blood were strewn everywhere. The boss was screaming: “Save the files! Save the files!” Then the earth shook and we heard a deafening rumble beneath our feet. Our faces turned ashen with terror in anticipation for what would come next. An armed missile burst through the floor with flames shooting from its tail. From the office loudspeaker, an ominous voice announced “30 seconds to launch”. We all just stood there speechless. “15 seconds to launch……..10……….5”. Darth Vader uttered his sinister laugh and bellowed: “Behold my power!”
The missile shot skyward and all we could do is stand and watch. Next came a blinding light followed by the most thunderous explosion we’d ever heard. The mushroom cloud in the sky told us that Armageddon was upon us. Our knees trembled as we awaited the end. We all held hands and prayed to our maker. I took one final glance over at my boss and said to him: “Well sir, am I correct in assuming this may not be the best time to ask for a raise????”

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