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By Dave “Mythical” Siderski

Welcome to another edition of celebrity mythical boxing. Today we bring you an intriguing matchup featuring two of the most controversial candidates we’ve ever seen for President of the United States in Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders. “The Donald” comes in tonight as a 7-5 favorite according to the Las Vegas odds makers. The fight will be televised live on GSPAM and is brought to you by GLEEEKO Insurance. Ok, enough with the preliminaries, let’s get to the action. We go to Wolf Blitzer at ringside.

“Are you ready…………Fans of really obnoxious, windbag politicians are you ready! Get your Geritol pills and cups of water ready!” Bernie Sanders emerges from his dressing room first, accompanied by his manager, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Bernie enters the ring to modest applause.

Three minutes later “The Donald” emerges from his dressing room wearing green tights and a purple robe and is accompanied by his manager, Sarah Palin. Trump enters the ring to a resounding chorus of boos. He grabs the microphone from Wolf Blitzer and yells out: “You’re all stupid!”

Bernie grabs a microphone as the two men stare at each other across the ring. He sticks his right fist out at Trump and issues a booming declaration: “I’ve come to rid Washington of the charlatans and greed mongers…..I will end you Trump!” Trump shakes his head with utter disdain and replies: “Sanders…..You are just like all the other Washington establishment morons. I am going to kick your ass.” The crowd gasps as the animosity between these two men is intense. Mayhem is about to ensue as the bell rings for round one.

These two determined battlers meet in the center of the ring with both still carrying a microphone. They balefully stare at each other for the first 30 seconds of the round. The crowd is breathless with anticipation for what comes next. Finally the two men furiously exchange…..insults. “Money Grubber!”…..”Old Wind Bag!”…..”Moron”…..”Idiot”…..”Dumb ass”……”Double Dumb Ass”. With one minute remaining in the round, the fight is dead even. Finally Bernie lands a telling blow: “Trump! Is that your hair or did your Doberman Pincher poop on your head?” Trump’s eyes turn flame red with rage. Trump winds up with a big right uppercut and…..he completely misses Bernie and hits himself on the chin. The Donald goes down to the canvas in a heap. The crowd roars with laughter. Donald gets up off the deck and paces the ring as the bell rings ending round one.

As GSPAM’s cameras pan to the crowd, two notable ringside observers are missing: Former President William Jefferson Clinton and Kim Kardashian. The bell rings for round two. Trump and Sanders slap away at each other in the center of the ring. Donald’s hair gets in his face and Bernie takes advantage, smacking him silly over the next 30 seconds. Sarah Palin bolts into the ring and whacks Bernie on the back of the head with a steel chair. Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton rushes into the ring and crushes Sarah with a vicious drop kick. Next Secretary Clinton turns her attention to the Donald. Donald takes one look at Hillary and runs out of the ring. The bell rings and Secretary Clinton drags a barely conscious Bernie to the corner.

Between rounds television viewers can see former President Clinton has returned to his seat grinning from ear to ear. The ring doctor takes a close look at Bernie and strongly considers stopping the fight. Secretary Clinton turns to trainer Panama Lewis and exhorts him to: “Do something!” Lewis turns to his chief second commanding him to “Give me the bottle! No not that one! The one I mixed!” Lewis feeds the bottle to an exhausted and defeated Sanders.

A transformation that is both marvelous and mystifying takes place. Bernie stands to reveal a mountain of a man that is now over 7 feet tall with arms, legs and chest bulging with smooth, rippling muscles. “Super Bernie” storms from his corner to meet Trump in the center of the ring. “The Donald’s” eyes are riddled with terror. He sinks to his knees, cowering in the fetal position. With thunderous growl “Super Bernie” puts the definitive stamp on his victory: “TRUMP URRRRRRRR FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Super Bernie raises his arms in victory. Hillary joins him in the ring and the two share a celebratory embrace.

Hillary grabs the microphone, turns to Bernie and says: “Bernie congratulations on your outstanding victory!” After an uncomfortable pause, the crowd breathlessly awaits her next words………”But I’m still going to kick your ass at the convention! By now, former President Clinton has joined his wife in the ring. He turns to her and says: “That’s my Hillary!”

Epilogue

One hour after fight, former President Clinton turns to his wife and says: “Honey, after you get elected, let’s invite the Kardashians to Camp David for the weekend. Kim has some very unique insights on world peace!” Flames shoot from Hillary’s eyes……………..
Six months after Hillary Rodham Clinton is elected President of the United States, the Kardashians are drafted into the US Air Force and sent on the first manned mission to Mars. The first episode of “The “Kardashians Lost in Space” debuts on ZZZ Entertainment Television the very next week! Former President William Jefferson Clinton is assigned to lead a peace envoy to the Inuit tribes of the Northwest Territories. Donald Trump, disillusioned by his general election defeat, purchases all four major television networks where re-runs of “The Celebrity Apprentice” air 24/7. In the end, it’s just another day in the life of American politics.

NB Writers wanted Promo:

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