By Marla Eggar

This week I’m taking an intermission break from the mob and introducing … My girls! These chicks have been down with me since day one. Periodically we try to get together for a date night that we call “Cougar Night”. This week we decided to put together a list of public service announcement for shits and giggles. Now before I go any further let me explain. Cougar night is a night when us girls get together and ponder life’s great mysteries over several bottles of Merlot or Cabernet. It’s called “Cougar Night” because we have collectively decided that we’re a lot closer to 40 than 21 and these young guys nowadays are way hotter than ever! All my chicks that participate in “Cougar night”, come in all different flavors: two black chicks, one Italian, one Irish, one Indian and one chick whose mama enjoyed the 70s so much that we’re not sure what she is. Cooking, family and sex are our main priorities but the one thing we all have in common is” jungle fever”.

With that being said let me begin:

1.) If you are a white guy who has jungle fever, stop letting people”punk” you. Panties will not drop when you clearly demonstrate you cannot hold your own (Note: This announcement does not apply to Italian men. I’ve yet to see one get “punked”)

2.) Brothas, not all white dudes call their black chicks “Nigga” every time they get mad. I can personally testify. I have been called a heartless bitch, monogamously challenged, and a different breed (whatever that means) but thus far not a nigga.

3.) To my black Chicca’s, stop making fun of white girls who have mixed kids and don’t know how to do their hair. This is a learning process. They didn’t grow up with hot combs and perms like some of us. True story: I let my white friend give me a perm one time. She’s waiting for my hair to turn curly. I’m waiting for her to tell me when it’s straight. If I hadn’t looked in the mirror, I’d be bald headed today.

4.) To the white chick, if you date black men, good for you have a cookie, but stop talking like you’re a black person. That is absolutely annoying! First of all, twirling your head and smacking your lips every time you talk looks stupid! You are not automatically black just because you have some in you every night. You might as well show up to the house with a black painted face you’d be less insulting that way.

5.) To the Brothas, it is not true that all white boys go down or that we’re only with them because they got money or good credit. (Note: To the white boys who go down south …. you’re doing a great job keep up the good work)

6.) White guys if you date black chicks, understand this…We don’t get our hair wet for shit. I don’t care if it’s raining, I don’t care if it’s a pool party, I don’t give a crap if it’s a baptism. The only time I’m “sweating out my blowout” is if I’m riding you into the sunset.

7.) To all men: Black, White, Cuban or Asian I don’t care! Don’t talk “Big D***” talk if your penis looks like an extra bellybutton! You see, the girls and I are in agreement on this. I’ll let you act “some type of way,” if the penis is good. But if your penis is so small it looks like a pimple with a pulse learn to stay in your lane. (Note: If you’ve ever had sex and she’s asked you “Is it in yet”? (That last punchline was for you!)

So class, let’s summarize what we’ve learned today? White guys (with no Italian swag), learn to stand your ground. Black chicks quit being rude. White girls embrace whiteness and don’t give perms. Brothers, learn from your white counterparts on how to please a woman in French and men, in general, if your penis is so small you piss on your nuts please proceed with caution…

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