By Tatiauna Miller

A majority of our society has to go to work to make money. We spend a large percentage of our lives in a place of business surrounded by people we fucking don’t like! Let’s discuss some of the worst office offender and are you one of them?

The most common offender in my office is the Speakerphone conversationalist. This is the person that puts EVERY damn call on speaker. Not only is every call on speaker, the volume is turned up to 100 so the sounds travels through every cubical within a 50 yard radius. This person also feels like they must yell into the base of the phone, like they’re calling plays at an NFL game. I feel like since I’m forced to listen to the conversation, it should be perfectly acceptable for me to participate in the calls too. Why not? I’d love to tell Pam what I’d like for dinner tonight, or chime in about how to punish little Johnny for using up the family data plan.

This next person who really tries my patience; Mr. or Ms. Never-on-topic. This person will make you want to walk out of every meeting and quit your job. Picture your happy ass at a meeting to discuss purchasing a desk for the office. The meeting is good, things are getting decided and everyone’s talking desk this and desk that, blah blah blah. Low and behold someone interrupts the positive flow of ideas and says “Well….what about the printers?” The PRINTERS?! What the hell does printers have to do with purchasing a desk? I really want to yell “Shut the hell up Bob, nobody asked you about no damn printers!” But office rules demand that we are polite so we all say; “Oh, what a great question.” No! That’s a bad fucking question Bob, stop day dreaming and pay attention!

Next person, the Dirty desk coworker. This is that dirty ass person, that is just 100% nasty. This person clips their toe nails at the desk and never cleans up the clippings. They have food particles and sauce splatters all over everything, even the chair has food stains! Which makes me think this person must eat their lunch and scratch their ass at the same time. They collect coffee cups and snot tissues on the desk, and have dandruff all over the damn chair and floor, looking like a blizzard. How come the nasty person always wants to be the one to bring potato salad and pie to the potluck? Hey nasty ass, no one wants to eat your suspect ass food. STOP IT! Now everyone at the potluck has to walk around with a spoonful of potato salad on their plates until they can throw it away in secret. No one eats the dirty coworker’s potato salad, except the new guy. Poor new guy!

If you believe it or not I’m usually polite at work, but this person will catch my attitude every time, which is the “Lunch Break Harasser.” In my office, we don’t have a breakroom, so the majority of the office eats their lunch at their desk. Now, just because I’m eating lunch at my damn desk doesn’t mean I’m available! I hate to hear “Ummmm I don’t want to interrupt your lunch but….” Obviously, you didn’t try hard enough to not interrupt me! It’s always like a dumb ass question too, like what’s Kim number or can you forward me that email? Why couldn’t that question wait, 15 minutes? I wish I could “Reclaim my time”, after those mid chew interruptions! It would be ok, if it was important stuff like guess who’s getting written up or run it’s a fire! Shit, like that is worth interrupting my lunch.

How about the coworker that’s always talking? We have two people in my office that are always talking very loudly, almost as loud as the Speakerphone conversationalist. They talk the entire day about nothing! Yesterday’s discussion was about Noah’s Ark, for hours they theorized the dimensions of the Ark and what types of wood were available at that time. These dudes work in the IT department, what does Noah’s Ark have to do with patches and bug fixes? Not only are these people talkative, they will complain about other people talking! They must be hearing an echo.

The final person is the “I will never get your name right” person. Obviously with a name like Tatiauna, I run into this person a lot. I’ve been called Toddy-anna, Titanium, Chachianna, Tiana, Tanesha, Tatalalicious and any other black lady’s name that starts with a “T”. What really annoys me is when they send you an email and still misspell your name in the body of the email. “Dear Tamisha”. Who’s Tamisha? You typed my name correctly in the email address, but couldn’t get my name right anywhere else? I should be petty like my father. His name is misspelled often with an extra “D” on the end. So, when someone like Karen misspells his name with the D on the end, he adds a “D” on the end of her name. “Dear Karend” Petty goals!

Which annoying coworker are you? Honestly, I’m the “I will never get your name right” person, so I just smile and give everyone nicknames behind their backs like the “No eyebrow lady”, “Old guy” and “Candy dude.”

Thanks again for giving me your time! Have a beautiful day, laugh more and live more.

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