By Tatiauna Miller

I don’t know who is worse; dog people, cat people or people with kids.

Actually animal people and kid people are probably both equally annoying, but we will discuss animal people today.

People that regularly dress their pets, please stop! Your dog is happy being himself. He doesn’t need to coordinate with you or dress like a French maid from a 1970’s porn. Some of the people dressing their pets can barely dress themselves, isn’t dressing one person enough stress? Why must you add an unwilling animal to the equation? Have you tried putting a dog in a onesie? It’s about 4 times worse than putting an angry baby in a onesie, 1 degree away from impossible.

Cat people that cook. Please don’t be surprised when no one eats your pasta salad at the potluck. You’ve shared so many “cute” stories of Muffin climbing on the kitchen counter that we already know Muffin left some DNA in that salad. Why y’all let the cat climb on all the tables and counters? Heads up, Cats crap in a box and then scratch their paws in it. That’s a 99.9% chance they have shitty feet. And if you’re OK with that then great! I’m sure your immune system is amazing.

It’s confusing when Animal people name their pet people names like Charlie and Jasmine. Imagine dating a guy and he’s telling you he’s having dinner with Jasmine, or your new girlfriend walking around town with Charlie? Who the hell is Charlie? Whatever happened to Socks and Boots? Nowadays it’s all backwards children have pets names like North, Blanket, Ace, Rocket and of course Apple.

Large quantities of pet owners have zero common sense, how can we allow a person to have an animal with no common sense? I don’t know how many times I see someone bringing an obviously “aggressive” dog to the dog park. Then the owner is even dumb enough to tell you he’s aggressive and doesn’t play well with others? I know a dog park is open to the public but if you can’t train your dog to behave and you aren’t rich enough to pay legal fees and vet bills, why did you come here? Nobody has time to breakup people fights and dog fights at the dog park. When I see stuff like that I wonder if this person has friends, to remind them of what not to do? Doesn’t everyone have that one friend; you call for common sense advice? This is the friend that kindly reminds you why it’s not a good idea to do a backflip off the trampoline or begs you not to audition for American Idol because you do not sound like Beyoncé!

How about when you know your dog has some Kujo tendencies and you have enough common sense to not subject Lil Kujo to uncomfortable social situations, so you walk in remote places where others aren’t likely to be around. Unfortunately you didn’t go far enough because every DAMN time some dog owner will see you across yards of empty grass and come ruin your pet’s peaceful moment. Can’t you hear my dog growling or see me desperately yanking the leash like a runaway kite? After all that I’m dripping sweat and my arm is numb because it takes 10 minutes to calm Lil Kujo down after that unwelcome visit.

I haven’t forgotten about cat people; they already have it rough dealing with a high maintenance pet and a box of poop in their kitchen. But why do some cat people let their cats live outside all time? How is that even legal? How come my dog can’t live outside 23 hours of the day without me going to jail? Anyway please don’t answer that question it’s rhetorical. Pet people swear they know everything. Nobody asked you Karen!

A major issue for me is dog owners that don’t pick up their dog’s poop. You see them looking all sneaky while their dog is dropping a load, looking around to see who’s watching. Listen, someone’s always watching and making mental bets to see if you’re gonna pick it up. I don’t get how some people let their dog crap on the sidewalk and then leave it! You can’t even hide that shit; it’s just sitting there like a Scarlet Letter on the sidewalk reminding you of your shame. That’s the time when you pick it up and leave it on the owner’s doorstep like an Unwelcome mat! Yeah I’m that neighbor!

Dog owners with friendly dogs are so proud. So proud they want to show everyone how friendly their dog is by letting them lick and jump on every person they walk by. When the stranger backs away from the unwelcome love and affection they like to say “Don’t be afraid he’s very friendly” with a big ole smile!

“Oh your dog can talk?” Did he tell you that he’s friendly all the time? What if your dog is having a bad day and he decides he’s not going to be friendly? My dog is very friendly but sometimes he likes to bite people on the face, well mostly because he has zero coordination, but a bite’s a bite. Also people may not want to touch your animal because they stink! We all know dogs don’t bathe every day, and some dog smell more than others. As a dog owner you may not be able to smell your dog’s stinky body, but other people can. I hate getting wrapped up in someone’s dog leash being forced to pet an annoying ass dog then I catch a whiff of my hands and it smells like dirty socks and ass. If someone wants to pet your dog they will ask, also a polite service announcement that they stink or they jump will be nice. Nothing keeps you on your toes like a full on head-butt from a dog.

Thanks again for giving me your time! Have a beautiful day, laugh more and live more.

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