By Tatiauna Miller

Did you know they have all kinds of “Days” to honor ridiculous things like April 30th Hairstyle Appreciation Day and March 10th Middle Name Pride day, but no Sober Friends day? I proclaim September 15th as “National Sober Friends Day!”

Sober friends are extremely important. This person is the physical representation of a drunken friend’s conscience. When all things in the drunk friend’s head goes to shit, this person brings out the pooper scooper. Sober friends have probably seen you at your absolute worse and still choose to hang out with you and if anything that deserves some praise, or maybe a trip to the therapist.

The job of a sober friend’s on a “Lit” night never ends. If the event requires “pre-game drinking” your sober friend begins coordinating the logistics of the night; making sure everyone has their money, identification, phones, proper destination coordinates and driving or arranging pick up. Once at the bar, sober friends can’t relax their vigil, they must keep an eye out for trouble and bad decisions. Bad decisions like when that last drink gave you Beer Googles and that Gremlin you were talking to turns into the “The Rock” and you tell everyone you want to have his baby TONIGHT! Bad decisions like picking fights with five bodybuilders because you grabbed one of their girlfriend’s butt or dancing on the bar doing a very bad stripper impression. Your sober friends are there to sprinkle a small dose of conscience to remind you of good Vs bad decisions.

A sober friend must also straddle the line of party pooper Vs party saver. You can’t micro-manage the entire situation and ruin the fun for everyone and yourself. A sober friend must know when to step in and throw the towel or when to let it ride.

When you walk out of the drinking establishment is when shit gets real. This is when you have to navigate a gauntlet of unsupervised drunk people. Amorous drunks, big drunks, crazy drunks, happy drunks, little drunks, angry drunks, creepy drunks and sad drunk, once you make it through all that you’re next step is to go eat, because you deserve it.

The most strenuous part of a sober friend’s duty is making sure everyone makes it home safely. When the sun is peeking over the horizon; you’re sleepy, your feet hurt, short on patience and you have to make sure your drunk ass friend gets home. When the sober friend is at their weakest is when the drunk friend is at their strongest, this is their second drunk wind. They’re ready to do all types of things that make you want to leave them in the street. They want to cry! Cry, about some Ex they haven’t seen in years. They want to fight people, fight everyone, including you! They want to kiss and hug you and just violate all your friendship barriers. They want to puke! Puke everywhere and you can’t stop them. They want to just pee! Have you seen a drunk lady pee in the street? Trust me you don’t want to see it; they look like gargoyles in heels.

I’m a sober friend and I’ve seen some crazy shit! Things that make me want to never talk to that person again. Things that make me question their judgment and mine sometimes.

When you’re the sober friend you have to remind yourself not to judge you’re friends the next day. Either you remind yourself or they will demand it of you after you see that drunk text they sent. “Tati, don’t judge me but look at what I sent last night!” In my head I’m thinking “DAMN, YOU SENT THAT? Throw your phone away right now and move to Croatia,” but the sober friend in me just laughs and pats you on the back cause I know you’ll do the same shit next time.
Since Friday is “National Sober Friend’s Day”, I’d like to give a shout out to all my drunk ass friends!

Thank you friend for telling your boo I’m an UBER and making me give an ETA. You owe me $35.00 for that trip!

Thank you friend for crying on my shoulder that one time for an hour, I wanted to have fun, but you sucked all the joy out of my night!

Thank you friend for throwing up all over my car, red wine sucks!

Thank you friend for trying to fight everyone, I’m so happy we didn’t die!

Thank you friend for making out with that very ugly guy, actually really thank you! It was too funny!

Thank you friend for getting lost and giving me mini strokes thinking your body was beginning harvested for the organ trade!

Finally, thank you for trusting me to watch over you when you weren’t at your best. I take that responsibility seriously; no drunk friend goes down on my watch! You may lose some dignity, not like you’ll remember but at least you’ll make it home safe. Thanks again for giving me your time!

Have a beautiful day, drink less, laugh more, live more and give your sober friend a sober hug…

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