By Katrina Broner

No one should ever have to live in fear for their life or their sanity. Too many times people think of domestic violence as just physical abuse and are oblivious to other forms. Among others there is also Verbal, Emotional, Financial, Sexual, Psychological and Neglect…it’s all abuse and it often goes hand in hand, or it’s just a matter of time until any of these turns into physical abuse.

These other forms often go undetected because many of us are not even aware of the signs of abuse. Unfortunately, in our society we easily brush it off as entertainment and even frequently mistake it for beautiful passionate love, only to be surprised when the ugly truth rears its head. I will use my experience as example for you or for someone else. No one intentionally enters an abusive relationship but facts are if you have been in one but don’t recognize the signs, even if you get out, you are likely to get into another abusive relationship and often with the same person.

It takes 5-7 violent and abusive acts for a person to leave their abuser but it is possible to avoid these toxic situations all together. These are the signs of a potentially abusive relationship you should look for:

1. He pushes for quick involvement/commitment.

I had a blast from the past pop up in my life, a guy I had been friends with a long time came into my life and I thought it was so great. Soon after we started to reminisce and catch up he was professing his love for me and wanting to visit and meet my children. I thought nothing of it initially, that’s what old friends do and he told me he had always felt love for me and that we should be together.

2. There is constant jealousy.

3. Very controlling

As time went on he started to say, “Me too” a lot whenever I was doing something for my children. I am a single mom of 3. I had warned him from the start that they demand almost 100% of my time and attention but I am willing to make time for myself or a relationship. It simply wasn’t enough, he would call and interrupt our schedule, accuse me of doing other things, wanting me to prove my whereabouts with pictures or receipts. He even went so far as to question my children! It was common for him to say things like “Whatever you’re doing is not more important than me.” Then he would proceed to give ultimatums.

4. Extreme and Unrealistic Expectations

If I did not answer the phone at 3am, he accused me of leaving him hanging. He insisted that I answer his every beckon and call which for me was absolutely insane! My youngest child is not yet one and still wakes up a couple times through the night. As a mom that is expected and I go right back to sleep but because he worked overnight he insisted that it was time to carry on a conversation with him. Mind you, I had to be up at 6am to get my oldest two children up and ready for school, drop them off and still deal with the baby during the day as well as work. He did not care.

5. Isolation

To ensure that I could meet his expectations he began to throw money and ideas at me. He said he would pay for anything I needed and frequently suggested that I should stay home more and questioned why I would work so much in the first place. It was like speaking a foreign language, “J’ai des enfants! Tengo niños!… translation “I have kids!”

6. Blaming others for their own mistakes.

I found out he had children as well but never sees or talks to them anymore. Anytime I tried to discuss it with him, it was always their mother’s fault that he does not call or reach out. He accused her of being crazy but also said that he cheated on her and he was in and out of jail. At this point as if there were not enough red flags in my head there were blaring alarms and sirens! Which brought about the next sign…

7.  Making everyone else responsible for their feelings.

He would often say I drive him crazy or make him angry. When speaking about his exes or the mother of his children it was the same, he would say they made him do the things he did and if they had done certain things then he would not have treated them badly or feel insecure about himself as a man instead of taking responsibility for his own actions and feelings. At one point, as a warning, he told me what happened to one of his ex girlfriends. He caught her in bed with another man and told me very matter fact and almost righteously that he snatched her of the bed by her hair, slammed her into the wall, slapped the piss out of her and dragged her out the house. Many times he expressed that a woman should stay in a woman’s place.

Just that last paragraph covers 3 or 4 other signs: Rigid gender roles, a history of battering and cruelty, hypersensitive and the whole thing always involved verbal abuse. The whole time he continued to push the idea of moving in with me and my children. It was all too much too fast and very scary.

Because of the previous abusive relationship with my children’s father, whom I no longer deal with, I knew the signs. So, before anything else could happen I cut all ties with this particular male and that’s when he became completely irate and ugly! He threatened to ruin my life, called my children horrible names. He told me I am nothing and no man wanted me anyway because I already have 3 children, who would want to deal with that? Pretty much all the same threats, emotional and verbal abuse the “father” of my children did to me, the only difference was it never got to the point of physical abuse. He raged for days on end because I had ended everything much like the ex. Then suddenly he apologized and said he didn’t really mean any of the hurtful things he said but he loves me so much, I just make him so mad! (that’s #6 & 7) I refused to accept his apology and his craziness finally stopped when he found a new victim.

Unfortunately, the sperm donor of my children has yet to stop his attempts to be part of my life and his craziness continues in the form of #1, 4, 6 and 7. He is a bully but it’s not going to work ever again! Before, I was so mentally and emotionally damaged I had no idea what was really going on to even put up a fight. Like so many people I thought sometimes it gets rough and that’s just the way “real” love goes. That’s not true! We only think like that because we see the constant dysfunction on tv.

That Is Not Love.

I will say it again; That Is Not Love!

I refuse to go back to living in fear and allowing anyone to assume I’m powerless. Knowledge is power once you are aware of the signs, act on it. Its gets easier to report, ignore and hopefully avoid completely, just as I did. I even disappeared for a little while. But I didn’t do it alone, I knew I’d had enough and I reached out for help. I had trusted family and friends, as well as a therapist. I didn’t stop until my children I were safe and I was strong enough to be aware of danger on my own and fight if I have to.

I hope someone will be brave enough to read this and examine their relationships. It doesn’t just have to be romantic relationships either. The signs that I described can manifest in any relationship, those are toxic people and they deserve to be called out and cut off. To anyone that discovers they are in an abusive relationship, Get Out Now! Get Help. I wish anyone going through this Strength, Love and Healing.

Until Next Time, Stay Awesome.

To see more of Katrina’s writing follow the TrinityLife and shop at her online company 2Key Creations.

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