By Jen Loehr

We have all been there…that moment when your stomach cramps up, you break out in a vicious sweat, your grip becomes deathly tight on whatever you may be holding on to at the moment and you realize that there is no way you can release any amount of air without a full blown catastrophe.

Several years ago this happened to me in such a manner that for the first time in my life I actually considered, seriously debated the pros and cons of literally crapping my pants. Don’t judge me, you can’t tell me with all honesty that you have never been there and had that debate with yourself. I mean the rumble starts and before you know it you are holding on for dear life and grinding your teeth together while desperately trying to use every single butt muscle to close off the inevitable. Also, just a side note…it NEVER happens when you are somewhere convenient like say HOME!

The day that this happened was a normal regular day of just handling work and mom duties. I left work feeling just fine and dandy, however, by the time I got to the school to pick up my daughter the rumble had just begun to do a dance in my tummy. I had no idea the pure hell that was getting ready to overtake my body. I thought to myself that I should be able to make it home and cheered myself to BE STRONG. Then my son got in the car which through a huge wrench in to my whole scenario. Normally he would ride to the high school with his coach for wrestling but on this very day he spotted his momma he wanted to jump in with us and have me drop him off. For the love of Christ Jesus himself, I went in to straight panic mode…calculating mileage and turns…bumps in the road to avoid.

By this time, sweat is running down my face and I have turned the radio down to concentrate. My kids looking at me like I am losing my mind not knowing that at any given moment a demon could be released as I am thrown into major convulsions. So off we go on our journey to the high school. I do believe that someone, somewhere was pushing pins in a voo doo doll with my ass on it. Every single person decided on this very day that they needed to obey the speed limit or even go slower just for good measure. I hit every single red light and by the time we were getting closer to the high school dots were flashing before my eyes and goosebumps covered my body. Ya’ll know exactly what those goosebumps mean, don’t play.

Let me pause for a moment and answer the question that many of you have right now…why didn’t she stop at a convenience store? Are you SERIOUS! Ok OK, if I wanted to be the talk of the town and be banned from the “gas” station (what an oxy moron) with my picture plastered on the bathroom door for dropping atomic bombs in the toilet sure! But I was trying to save my pride and dignity folks.

So, I dropped my son off and started my trip home…FINALLY. At this point I was heavily weighing the PROS & CONS of pooping my pants and the major thoughts going through my head were 1) What was I wearing and was it something I was willing to simply burn and throw away, 2) The leather seats would be somewhat easy to clean if I was covered in hazardous gear, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember if they had holes in them that the explosion would seep through which in turn would leave a lasting crappy smell in the car, 3) How devastating would it actually be for my daughter to witness her MOM crapping her pants in the car…in front of her, and 4) How much longer was it possible for me to squeeze my butt muscles so tightly together?

After much consideration, inner debate and prayers I was able to make it home. As I pried my fingers off the steering wheel I had to figure out how exactly to swivel my body out of the car. I am a fluffy gal so trying to move with grace while holding my legs together and squeezing my butt cheeks together takes a lot of thinking and effort. I hoisted my body out of the car and swiftly waddled to the bathroom where the final hell broke loose.

To this day, I gladly have awarded myself the “Tight Ass” Award and claim it proudly. I went with the CONS because the PROS seemed to have too many ugly consequences. Laugh, please laugh hysterically at my story because I laugh every time I think about it and even more importantly PLEASE go with the CONS!

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