By Tatiauna Miller

When I was pregnant I wanted to read all about the “Other stuff” that happens when you’re pregnant. I wanted to know everything that pregnancy can do to a woman’s body. I wanted to know all of this because I believe in being prepared and pregnancy was the longest waiting game ever. I think being pregnant is designed to teach new mothers how to be patient. Your body is saying “Look, you need to learn to wait 9 months for this baby, because you’re going to be waiting for this slow ass child for the rest of your life.” I don’t understand how my kid takes 10 minutes to put on one pant leg but she can undress 30 Barbies and wreck the “Dream House” in under 10 seconds.

I never knew being pregnant could be so expensive! Those maternity clothes are ridiculously priced! I’ve seen maternity jeans for $200! Why would you pay that much for some pants with panty hose material on the waist? Then you have those pillows for your stomach that look like a big ole musical note. Are you going to use that weird ass belly pillow in the future? Are you and that pillow going to make room in the bed for your significant other? The man has to sleep on the couch because the pregnancy pillow is in his spot. Pregnant women get hustled into buying all the lotions and oils —I bought this expensive stretchmark lotion that I never used. I could’ve used that money on a few meals for my pregnant ass.

I knew pregnant women had food cravings but had no idea my craving would be for a certain smell. I craved Vicks Vapor Rub, I loved that little blue jar so much. I spent many nights rubbing that gooey goodness on my chest and upper lip. My craving morphed into obsession and I had to buy a jar of Vicks for the office and one for my purse for when I needed a “Vicks fix” on the go. All day I used to worry that my upper lip looked extra shiny, after the fifth and sixth application of Vicks. I remember that craving and feeling of relief so accurately and then it went away right after I had my daughter. Other times smells could turn a pregnant woman from happy to disgust in seconds. I couldn’t stand smelling an oily scalp. This one short lady’s scalp was so smelly, I would cringe when she came by my desk. Till this day I still gag when I get a whiff of someone’s unwashed scalp.

I never knew men were attracted to pregnant woman until I was pregnant. I got hit on often especially very late in my pregnancy. I remember men breaking their necks to get an extra look at me waddling down the street, so strange. When I was five or six months pregnant I flew out of town to visit family, at the airport I remember a man sitting next to me at the terminal gate. We talked about our travels, the weather, you know the usual airport chat. He then begins to compliments me on my hair, skin and talks about the wonders of child birth. After all that he leans over caresses my stomach and asks for my number. Say what now? I don’t even remember what I told him, I just remember being shocked. I asked a guy why pregnant women were so attractive? He said pregnant women are horny and you can’t get them pregnant AGAIN. WHAT! That’s something you should never ever tell a female, keep that in your man secrets. I don’t remember being horny pregnant. I had sex once while pregnant and it gave me the worst heartburn. I don’t know it was either sex or the late night Alouette Cheese but I was like “Nope” to sex and cheese the entire pregnancy. I was taking zero chances, heartburn is a bitch.

Finally, having the baby was an experience. The books describe the mechanics of delivery but you’re not prepared for everything else. Pushing out a child is some hard work! Shit, I had broken blood vessels in my eyes and hemorrhoids. Even the baby is exhausted after birth! They went through all that drama being evicted from your home and someone slaps your ass and make you cry for no reason.

Overall, I had a good pregnancy and I learned some interesting things about the magic of the female body. For anyone pregnant right now, if you don’t want major heartburn please stay away from sex and Alouette Cheese.

Thanks again for giving me your time! Have a beautiful day, laugh more and live more and don’t caress random pregnant lady’s stomach.

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