By Tatiauna Miller

Whomever said “Kids are like tiny drunk people” didn’t lie. My child and I spend a lot of time together and as I look back on our daily interactions, I think I need to check her juice box. She’s has no filter, zero balance, an emotional rollercoaster, slow as a sloth (her words) and she still wears all her meals. That’s basically every experience with a drunk person I’ve had all wrapped into one cute little package.

Parents already know this but kids will tell all your business! You can threaten them with death and they will still spell their guts. “Child, if you tell anyone, I will kill you!” They will nod their little heads and then turn around and literally tell anyone. Exhibit A, my daughter’s friend, told me as soon as she saw me that her mom lost her job yesterday. She then whispers to me that her mom told her not to tell anyone. What the hell kid, you couldn’t even wait 24 hours! My daughter likes to tell everyone my bowel movement schedule. She told all my neighbors at the same time, I was running inside to go poop. She said I poop every day at the same time, I was so mad at her but I had to laugh it off instead of looking like a crazy person in front of the neighborhood.

My child has zero balance. She would fail a sobriety test, plus I know for a fact she can’t say the alphabet backwards. My kid is always falling and all her pants have a hole in the knee or the butt. I don’t understand why she’s staggering all over the place. Don’t get kids laughing because once they start it’s impossible for them to stop without falling into a full drunk child stupor. Kids, will fall and try to bring you down with them. I’ve seen parents stumbling around with their children looking like two drunk people leaving the bar.

Kids are always extra emotional. My kid will be happy as hell in one moment but sad 5 seconds later. Then she’ll get mad at me because I’m confused and still stuck in the happy phase. My kid bought some nail polish and she begged me the whole way home to let her paint her nails. I knew this was going to be a Gallagher moment so I set her up in the bathroom with newspaper and tarp. She’s all happy for about 3 minutes and then she starts screaming “Mommy!” I come running because I’m thinking she got nail polish in her eye or something painful. No, I had 9 heart attacks in 5 seconds and all she was tripping about was she couldn’t stop the nail polish from getting all over her fingers! I’m not going to lie all her finger nails and fingers where jacked up! I thought it was funny but she flipped out on me! She gave me the “You’re mean” speech. She went from happy to sad to angry in less than 3 minutes. Just like every emotional drunk.

My most annoying thing about my child is she’s so slow! She does everything slow. This morning it took her 20 minutes to put on her pants. I had washed and blow dried my hair and she was just pulling up her pants, when I walked in her room. Even her child gossip is slow. I try to hurry the gossip along and she gives me the “You’re being rude” look and then she starts back at the beginning of the story. Come on you’ve been saying “and then” for 5 minutes please let me ask probing questions? Have you ever tried rushing your kid? They get so frazzled. I tried to Drill sergeant my daughter in the morning, and she ran right into the wall. What tha hell? Now I’m really late because I had to console her and of course get the “I’m a mean person” speech. Only thing London does fast is brush her teeth, she becomes Sonic the Hedgehog at teeth brushing time.

I always feel that a clean child is a reflection of you and I want my daughter to look well maintained all the time. But that’s hard when she uses her clothes as napkins. I will give her 20 napkins and she will still use her pants, shirt and sleeves as napkins. She will wipe her hand on her pants and then use a napkin, like the napkin was extra protection? The other morning she spilled half a bottle of water apparently she has a hole in her mouth. So we had to change the shirt, pants and socks! I was probably late again that day. Or the one time she spilled syrup all over her dress. My daughter likes nice clothes but she still likes to eat her food off of them.

I’ve never been a very patient person but having a child was a crash course in patience. I’ve learned to control my frustrations because my meltdown leads to her meltdowns and then we can’t get anything done. Currently we are making it work and no matter how slow, clumsy or messy she is she’s still my baby.

Thanks again for giving me your time! Have a beautiful day, laugh more and live more.

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