By Tatiauna Miller

I can’t poop in public. According to WebMD I have what is called “Toilet Anxiety”, which eventually leads to cancer and death, because everything leads to cancer and death on WebMD. So, like a dog, I’ve trained my body to only “let go” in a certain place and when I go out of town this truly messes me up. I’m literally full of shit until I can’t hold it anymore. Not only can I not “GO” comfortably in public or out of town, if you throw other people in the mix it’s a full blockage, I can’t even talk on the phone and poop. I need relaxing music and I must have something to read. If I don’t have a book, magazine, phone, even a shampoo bottle to read than I have trouble going. Pooping is a very important ritual for me and my entire family knows the deal, even the dog! Sometimes I have to kick my dog out of my room because I can hear him breathing outside the bathroom door and it’s distracting the process.

Before I had my daughter, I went to Miami for Memorial Day weekend with my cousin, which was wild as hell, but let’s save that for another column. I don’t drink so I enjoyed copious amounts of rich food and fruits. Well, I kept eating the entire time but could not drop a deuce. One of the main reasons was the hotel room was super small, probably hadn’t been renovated since the glamorous days of Miami. Small room with even smaller bathroom with slatted doors, this room was not built for privacy. I could hear my cousin moving around and talking to me, I couldn’t get comfortable enough to poop. My next strategy was to seek out a quieter place. I even contemplated going really early to one of the beach bathrooms, but once I saw drunk people still laying on the bench next to the bathrooms I knew it was going to be what I needed. I started searching again at the hotel until I found the Ritz Carlton of bathrooms on the roof of the hotel. The in the bathroom was South Beach and it was clean and private!!!!!! I had the best and worst poop in my life in that rooftop bathroom, it was so amazing.

After I poop, I must have a moment of silence. I don’t know why, but I hate to be disturbed right after I poop. It’s like my body needs time to come down from the poop high, anyway I walk out the bathroom door and my cousin is waiting for me! She’s sitting on a lounge chair with her phone and a drink, just smiling! I’m already pissed, thinking how did she find me here and I can’t get away from her not even to take a shit! That was my only poop of that trip.

How to handle “Traveler’s Stomach” or diarrhea when you have “Toilet Anxiety”? Well, you don’t you hold it until you can constantly sip on bottles of Milk of Magnesia until you get to the states and you can poop peacefully. Last few trips I went on I got sick from the water in Dominican Republic and I also got sick in Las Vegas probably from the “In and Out” Burger. Dominican Republic was rough but not as bad as Vegas. I decided to go on a tour to the Grand Canyon, it was beautiful but not comfortable for a person with diarrhea. My stupid ass decided not to drink any water while I was there because I didn’t want to go to the bathroom in the porta potty. Uhhhh OK, imagine spending hours at the Grand Canyon on one of the hottest days of the year and not drinking any water. I’m standing there looking around and all off sudden, I’m dizzy and disoriented. Ohhhhhhhhh snap! I sit down on these rocks overlooking the Grand Canyon and just gulp down the water. I could’ve fell into the Grand Canyon because I was trying to not go poop in the bathroom.

On a few emergency situations I had to go at work, but only in extreme cases and I mean extreme! Going to the ladies’ bathroom at my job is like Russian roulette. You never know if it’s going to be clean and normal or dirty and a nightmare. I’ve walked in to poop on the floor in more than one occasion. The last one was like a few days before Christmas. How can a person make it all the way to the bathroom stall and still miss the toilet? In my head I created thousands of scenarios of why this person couldn’t make it to the toilet, but none of them could be true. With the Russian roulette scenario on my mind I just don’t feel comfortable about going in there. Let’s add fake service dogs to the situation, this lady has a teacup puddle that comes with her to the bathroom. This little joker wants to watch me under the stall! I wish

I could drown his nosey ass!

Thanks for giving me your time! Have a beautiful day, laugh more and live more!

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